Price check aisle 12
April 7, 2008
What is it about leisurely shopping in Wal-Mart that I don’t get? I’ve had to shop the big box about 14 times in the last two weeks, a couple times for work and other times for last minute efforts to grab soy milk after rounding the turn on my way home. Regardless of the reason for my visit, it’s been a pain in my ass each and every time. Today’s visit, proving to be consistent on the annoyance log, left me stumped as I observed several random people wandering the store in search of what looked like “nothing”???? No cart out in front of them, no list written on the back of a ratty envelope, nothing. Maybe they came in to develop a nice squint in their brow from the obnoxious neon lights? Maybe they thought it was sample day and the Oreo Cakesters would make yet another week ending appearance? Whatever the reason for their dumbfounded zombie walk through the store, it made me wonder why in the hell I even shop with these weirdos. I have enough of them in my family. No need to subject myself to an extra hundred of them for the sake of a box of Cheerios or a glimpse at Hallmark’s metallic curly bow. So I came up with the following ideas/techniques/strategies that I’m going to think about in an attempt to avoid the big W:
1. Look into shopping at the equally annoying, yet smaller Marc’s. This would require me to make a mental note to only shop between the hours of 7-7:20am Monday-Friday. Otherwise, I may as well just take a cart, walk around the store and fill it with as much shit as humanly possible and then just leave the cart in the middle of the freezer section. That’s about as far as I’ll get in a four hour timeframe any other time of the week. For those that dare go at other times, usually they find a cart full of sixteen 99cent frozen pizzas with no owner who obviously came to that same conclusion.
2. Move back in with my mom and dad so they can buy all the essentials for me and my family. I’m already 1/2 way there. I rip off cases of pop and water as much as I can get away with. They make a good habit out of feeding my kids 12lbs of candy - thanks….I think? I like to pretend their my personal food bank. Need a can of tomatoes….mom and dad. Need a stick of butter……I’ll just run over to mom and dad’s. Recipe calls for: chicken, cheese, can of mushroom soup, butter, rice, and broccoli. I have the chicken, I’m sure mom and dad have the rest…..I’ll run over and check. So maybe this one shouldn’t be on the list of new techniques, just make sure to maintain the set up.
3. Start a food drive for the Cracas Family. While mom and dad’s food bank is plentiful. I gotta tell you, they really slack in the junk food department. What kind of grandparents don’t stock licorice, Hawaiian Punch juice boxes, Weaver Chicken Drumsticks, and an endless supply of crap for the sake of their grandchildren? I mean, come on!!!! Having said that, this food drive that I speak of would be user friendly in that I would provide a very detailed list of items that are needed - Cheerios, Fruit Loops, crab legs, Kraft Mac & Cheese, Doritos, Cheetos, ham, chicken wings, Taco Bell Soft Taco Supreme minus the sour cream…you get the point. (Ok, so maybe the list will change based on how hungry I am?)
4. In an attempt to curb the work portion of these visits, I’m going to pretend my company does business with Claire’s, Subway, Taco Bell, Aldie’s, and Radio Shack. These places seem the least annoying to me right now. Please note - list subject to change.
5. Teach my kid to ride his bike to Convenient Food Mart by himself. He’s got a helmet and training wheels. He’ll be fine. A backpack can hold a lot of shit.
6. Go on a hunger strike. And a paper strike (tp, kleenex, paper plates, napkins……………)
7. Who am I kidding on #6?
8. Actually prepare a grocery list and make a trip to the grocery store………….with the list. Purchase everything on the list as to remove annoying last minute trips to the big box. This task will be completed in my dreams - where I will also find myself sleeping on “a nice puffy white cloud” that my friend recently told me about while giving me techniques to combat insomnia. Maybe my grocery list will be edible in my dream?
9. Turn into one of those people that gets their groceries from dumpsters and other people’s garbage. I’m not sure what it’s all about, but if I’m suggesting it over actually entering a Wal-Mart, what does that say?
10. Continue to shop at the big W, if for no other reason that to spawn new ideas for this ridiculous blog that talks about a bunch of nothing. I keep telling myself that’s how people describe Seinfeld…..I think I’m hitting the big time soon.
In the meantime, “Price check aisle 12 on a 10 pack of Oreo Cakesters”.
