Mindless Mom

I’m officially a soccer mom.   My son has entered the world of organized (or not-so-organized) athletics.  For forty-five minutes a week for the next six weeks he gets to slap on some shin guards and run free.  Better translated, he gets to plant himself on a 30yd makeshift grass soccer field w/ miniature goals and run in a pack with other kids as they all chase after the one kid actually kicking the ball.   My personal favorite is when the kid with the ball breaks from the pack and none of the followers notice.  Oddly, the herd appears unphased when “GOAL” is shouted from across the field.   And yes, in case you’re wondering, my kid is usually in the herd.  But due to his inherited athletic abilities, he did score a goal this week!  And in true soccer mom fashion, once the goal crossed the line I was instantly transformed into a crazed fan, waving my arms in the air and screaming cheers of approval.  I’m pretty sure he’s destined to be the next Pele’ if my cheering has anything to do with it!  Don’t underestimate the power of encouragement…….hell, the kid wipes his own ass….don’t think that skill wasn’t acquired without lots and lots of cheering. 

So organized athletics comes with its fair share of entertainment on the field but the sidelines seem to provide just as much entertainment.  “Day One” let me in on the following family scenarios:

Full-Go Family    

This would be the family that is absolutely OBSESSED with winning no matter what.  Drills = Boredom.  They need goals scored and names attached.  These are the parents that walk around asking “Isn’t this a soccer game.  Why are they doing drills?  Did the game start?”  They need assists counted and penalty kicks clearly marked.  These are the families that walk away from the game and begin listing the 7,345,550 things their kid can do “better” next time without taking a breath.   Meanwhile their five-year-old is stopping to pick up the dandelions fifteen feet downwind of the “pep talk”.  Disconnect anyone?

Social Family

This family doesn’t really care what event they are at, as long as they were the first to sign their kid up.  Actually they probably coordinated the sign-up sheets and assigned teams.  They bring lawn chairs, snacks, goodies, checkbooks to update, cell phones that they repeatedly answer, blankets and pillows - in the event that any siblings want to sprawl out and watch the portable television they brought.  They obnoxiously smile at EVERYONE who walks by in hopes of gaining popularity.  They point out their kid without being asked to.  “Billy’s the one in the blue shirt with the glasses.”  (Note to self:  No playdates with Billy)  These people set up camp on the sideline to resemble their living room and mingle with a mission.   These are the people that know just about everyone in the tri-county area.  If you’re not on the list, you’re bound to be stalked.

Glamour Family

This is the family that has gone out and purchased brand new top-of-the-line clothing attire and equipment.  Their kids are donning coordinating Nike shoes and shinguards, Adidas t-shirts that contain the same accent color as their shorts, and a newly unboxed, wrong-sized soccer ball.  Somewhere in the middle of this showy garbage is a five-year-old who’s never even seen a soccer ball, much less has any desire to play.  But damn does he look good running with the herd.  And he puts Billy’s blue shirt to shame, which secretly makes me smile. 

Semi-Normal Family

I like to throw my family in this group.  By no means are we normal.  But our five-year-old enjoys running around, likes being with other kids, and has seen a soccer ball in his lifetime.  We cheer for him when he’s good.  We cheer for his teammates when they score.  At the end of the game we tell him “good job” and move on to dinner at Burger King.  (Some of us have to eat!)  We are cordial to neighboring parents but don’t feel the need to schedule playdates or record stats.  We go because it’s fun, gets us outside, and who knows……..a future Pele’ may be in the works. 

 Strung Out Soccer Family Mom

This captures the family that typically is represented by one parent (primarily the mother) that can’t help but announce this is the 17th soccer game she’s been to in the last three days.  She leaves her mini-van running the entire forty-five minute session.  Four of her seven kids are on the sidelines whining for dinner.  One is straddling the field and the sidelines because he really has no desire to play soccer - which is obviously not an option for any member of this family.   The other two are taking turns running from the mini-van to the field while screaming “MOM!  Jack just kicked me.  Dad’s on the phone and wants to know what we’re having for dinner”.   This mom likes to look around at surrounding sideline parents with shrugged shoulders and rolled eyeballs as if she has no idea where these children came from.  Either that or she completely ignores all of her children and latches on to the closest adult in an attempt to hold adult conversation - something that she doesn’t participate in throughout the other 167 hours of the week.

There you have it - a well-rounded playing field, er…I mean sideline. 

Let the games begin.